A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night. I was hot. Like burning from the inside out hot. Like I’d been working out hot. But I hadn’t been working out. I had been enjoying deep sleep until I was so rudely awakened by my hotness. No…unfortunately not hotness like Beyonce or Kate Moss. I’m talking flushed, damp, sweaty hot. Nice visual, huh?
Looking for relief, I kicked off the sheets. No relief there. I turned on the fan. Still hot. Finally, convinced that I had a fever, I dragged my butt out of bed and took my temperature. Exactly 98.6 degrees.
Then I couldn’t sleep, so I did what any wide awake gotta-know-what –is-wrong-with-me-now wife would do. I got back in bed and drove my husband crazy. “Is it warm in here? Do you think the heat is too high?” I asked, waking him up from what was probably a perfectly good night’s sleep. I kept placing my hand on his back looking to see if he had some cool spots. Ahhh…he feels perfect, I thought.
At some point it was suggested that I was having a hot flash. Hot flash? Oh man. Those are reserved for ladies going through menopause, right? I’ve got young kids. I couldn’t be going through menopause. I simply don’t have the time. You know? I have more important things to do.
So the next day, still reeling from the “hot” episode I decided to get to the bottom of things. Yeah, I should have called the Doctor. Instead, I Goolged “Symptoms of Menopause”. Holy….I couldn’t believe it. I’m thinking there’s gonna be like five symptoms. Wrong. The list I found had thirty-five symptoms. That’s five plus thirty! I thought my sweaty legs (or “swegs” as the young interns at work hipped me to) were bad. This list had things I’d never imagined, like “changes in fingernails, itchy, crawly, skin.” How about “disturbing memory lapses, and dry vagina.” Dry vagina? Oh but that’s okay, I might work that out via the “ increased incontinence.”
Obviously, I made a wrong turn by searching the web. But I do remember after giving birth feeling like I could do anything. I’m praying there’s a kernel of truth to that, because if this menopause list is even close to accurate, I’m expecting everything!
Itchy. Crawley. Skin. Really?