When you were born, I remember vowing to never let anyone or anything hurt you. I failed. It’s true. Blame your pediatrician first, because he gave you those shots when you were just a few weeks old. Just sayin’. And I’m sure there was some pushing and shoving in grade school. Last year you got a concussion while playing soccer. Maybe chess would have been safer. The time you had stomach issues-was it something I made? Those nights when you had those non-stop coughs….I felt like my chest was heaving in unison with yours. The stitches! Maybe if I had not walked out of the room you wouldn’t have bumped your head. You were only two. Your arm still has the scar from the skateboard accident. I don’t even want to know how you ended up in the middle of the street. But really, how the hell did you end up in the middle of the street???
I told myself I’d never lose my cool or say unkind things. I’d like to say it was just hormones, but that one gets old real quick. But did you know menopause can cause irritability in…(eh, excuses, again). I thought it would be a good idea not to use cuss words in your presence. But, but…I’m really good with naughty words. I was going to read to you every…single…day. Let’s be honest, I get sleepy when I read books. And is it wrong that I’m slightly annoyed that someone made a mint writing a book by saying “Goodnight” to damn near (there’s the cussing) everything in the house. I say good night to all of you-for free!! There was a thought of never letting you eat processed foods. Yeah, remember how I would bribe you and your brother with McDonalds Friday mornings so I could get to the studio early?
Did I ever tell you that after you were born I asked the Dr. if I could stay another day in the hospital? (thank daddy for great insurance). I. Wasn’t. Ready. How could the hospital staff just send me home?? Why couldn’t they come with us? Honestly, there should have been a test or a parental certification licensure thing- a-ma-bob I should have had to obtain. How, oh how was I going to protect you? From germs, from bad weather-don’t get me started on the little old ladies at the grocery store putting their face within inches of yours.
Should I have let you make more messes? It’s hard for us Virgos, you know. When’s the last time you took your vitamins? Just how much screen time do the experts say is too much? (asking for a friend). Would cloth diapers have really been better? (maybe not-back to the whole Virgos and messes thing). But, your pack ‘n play matched your car seat and the living room furniture. I mean, that’s gotta count for something right?
Today you are 18. And I am excited for you, (until I realize all the crap I did at that age). Still, I can’t help but wonder, did I do right by you? Did I do okay? Look, I’m not looking for an A plus, but if this mother gig is pass/fail…..Okay, don’t answer that. Just don’t.
This really isn’t about me. No. It’s about you knowing regardless of how good or not good I was at “momming” you, you will be just fine. You already are. Always have been. I just needed to remind you of that. You’ll be just fine.
I love you son.